Gary's Boring Blog

Some Photos of Rosie

There are some more pictures most of you won't have seen on the Rosie Gallery. I'm feeling positive today, and very thankful for the wonderful time we had with Rosie.

Thank you Rosie Kokoro, for being such a great daughter.
Megumi's Page (LINK)

It's Good to Talk

Talking about Rosie and my feelings really does help. Sitting in front of a computer does not! I just had lunch with a friend, and it really was nice to have someone just to listen to my drivel. Thanks Phil.

Phil in his slimmer days!

Which reminds me. The Nagano Football Tournament is coming up. Saitama tend to always be the bridesmaid, but never the bride. I wonder if that will change this time...?

September 24th, 2004

On Friday the 24th, we buried Rosie in Naruto, Tokushima.

I still can't quite believe that we have just buried our baby daughter. Just a year ago, we were looking forward to the arrival of our first-born. Then, on December 8th, we were blessed with the arrival of a beautiful little girl, who brought such light into our lives. As anyone reading this knows, Rosie's time with us was short. It is not fair that she was taken away from us so soon. It is not fair that most of my family didn't get a chance to meet her, and to play with her. Sometimes it is difficult not to feel a sense of failure as a parent. We wanted to go back with Rosie to see her relatives in Tokushima, and show off our lovely baby. But instead, the first time we went to Tokushima with Rosie, it was to bury her.

We loved her so much, and she loved us so much, and I still struggle to find sense in what happened...

But she was loved for 8 months. And she loved us for 8 months. Nothing will ever change those facts. Her bones are in Tokushima, but her spirit lives on, with Megumi and I, with our families, with our friends, and with all of you fine people who read this page, and who helped us so much with your support. Anyone who sees a rose, or smells a rose, or buys a rose, and thinks of Rosie, or us, is helping to keep her memory alive.

We'll bounce back. It will not be easy, but Rosie will be with us, willing us on every minute, and picking us up when we are down. Megumi and I are still young(ish!), and still healthy enough to consider adding to our family. Rosie will always be the eldest, but hopefully we will be able to make little sisters and brothers for her.

One Month

Yesterday was the 20th. One month has passed since Rosie died. It has been a month full of tears and sadness, but also a month where hope and laughter have slowly but surely returned to our lives. I have a feeling that next month, and the months in the foreseeable future, will contain some sadness, but with those buds of hope and laughter gradually becoming stronger and stronger.

I have never really explained the dread of those weeks that Rosie was in the ICU. Perhaps only people who have similar experiences can truly understand.
Every time we went to the hospital, we went with hope, but knowing that our hopes could be crushed. We wanted to speak to the doctor, to get information about how Rosie was doing, but we were also scared of hearing what he had to say. We wanted to see Rosie, but seeing her tied up in a hospital bed, with tubes attached to her, was very upsetting. At home, every time the phone rang, we jumped, dreading a call from the hospital. It was very hard on me and Megumi, and also on her parents, who were there with us most of the time. It was hard on our relatives in England and Tokushima, waiting by their phones.

But Rosie never gave up, so we knew we couldn't give up either.

I have said many times that Rosie would not want us to be sad. She didn't fight so hard for so many weeks for us to crumble apart. So, Megumi and I are doing are best to be strong for each other. Sometimes it is easier than others. The kindness of friends and family certainly helps us. At the weekend, we had two visits. One was from a friend I used to work with, bringing a gift and card from my former colleagues. That was really nice. Thanks everyone (you know who you are).

The second visit was more unexpected, and more painful. One of my former students and his wife came round on Monday. They are a lovely couple, who I stopped teaching back in 1998. We don't see each other often, and I only got the strength together to email him last week. They didn't call, just showed up at our house on Monday with flowers and cakes. They have a young daughter themselves, so it was tough for them to come, and see the pictures of Rosie, and her bed covered with toys and clothes.

It was lovely for us to see them, and it gave Megumi and I a lift. Thank you, Mr and Mrs S!
Maybe Rosie called our friends to visit us, on the one month anniversary of her passing.

Chin Up!

I was feeling a bit down yesterday (did anyone guess!)
I spent most of the day writing a report, so didn't really speak to anyone at work. The lesson here, I think, is that burying your head in work is not good for you, talking to people, even about nonsense like why does Internet company Rakuten want to buy a baseball team, is GOOD.

Chin up, as they say in jolly old England. Not to be confused with chin-chin up, which could get you in trouble in polite circles in Japan.

Grief Tutorial

I consider myself a fairly logical, rational man. If I have a question or problem, I can generally figure out where to find the answer or solution. Before the internet, this sometimes meant looking things up in books, encyclopedias, dictionaries etc. Now, this means a certain mastery of google, newsgroups, and other tools to get information and help online.

But, I can't find a tutorial on grief. There's no 'how-to' or FAQ to help me get through what I am feeling right now. How am I supposed to work when I periodically break down crying? How am I supposed to get through the day when the first thing I do when I wake up is look in Rosie's cot and wonder why she is not there? How long does it take before the pain goes away? When will I be able to look at pictures of Rosie and laugh, not cry?

When will I feel like a whole man again, not a broken one?

I know there are no answers. And I know I am not alone. Megumi and I are not the first parents to lose a child, and we will not be the last. But it just really, really hurts...

Beautiful Roses

Megumi and I decided we would buy small roses regularly, and put them in a nice, cute vase near a picture of Rosie. When I spoke to my Dad at the weekend, he mentioned that he and Marlene had a framed picture of Rosie, and they had put a rose from their garden next to it. When he visited his mum, my Nan, last week, he noticed that she had a different picture, but the same idea. She had placed a rose in a vase next to her photo of Rosie.

I wonder how many other people have pictures of our little girl, and are occasionally buying roses to remember her with...

(I have to compress the pictures on Rosie's gallery for the web. If there is anyone who wants higher quality images and has a fast internet connection, let me know and I will send you the files by ye olde electronic mail).

My Cousin Matt Read

My cousin Matt is a semi-professional motorcycle rider. He has been racing since he was a little kid, and has always been a top-level rider. His first motorbike was one that I received for my 5th birthday, and was passed on to him when I got too big for it.

He was racing in France a couple of weeks ago and had a bad accident. Right now he is in intensive care in a hspital in France. He was hit pretty hard in the back by another bike, and has some damage to his spinal cord. At the moment, we don't know quite how badly he has been hurt, but he is not in a good way.

Matt is on the left.

When Rosie was in the hospital, thoughts, prayers and messages of support from family and friends kept us going, and gave Rosie the strength to keep battling away. If you can spare a minute or two to pray for the health of Matt, I'm sure that message will get through to him, his family, and his fiance as well.

Matt is on the right this time, with spikey hair!

(The forum page of the Somerset Rebels (LINK) webpage has lots of messages of support from Matt's fans)

A Snap Of Me and My Baby

Was being brave and looking through our pictures just now, and found this one.

I love this little girl so much.

Looking Forwards

Feeling quite positive again. Both Megumi and I have our sad moments, and we are both missing Rosie like crazy. It is amazing to think about what a huge impact she has made on our lives in her short life, but, as you can imagine, there is a kind of hollowness and emptiness without Rosie. I sometimes read through this blog and Megumi's blog, written when Rosie was in the hospital. We were so sure that Rosie was going to make it...

Life, although much different from before, goes on. Megumi is reading a lot about previous lives and afterlives. When you read so many examples of souls coming back and inhabiting different bodies, it makes you feel stronger, and we are convinced that Rosie's soul will come back to us in some form in the future. I have not found a good book yet in English, but will keep looking.

We are still not really up to looking at photos and videos yet. The ones of us with Rosie, where she is laughing, or reaching out to grab the camera or my nose or Megumi's hair are particularly difficult. I have 2 photos of Rosie sitting on my desk at work. She watches over me, urging me on.

Rosie, 一緒に頑張ろうね！

Feeling More Positive

I'm not quite sure why, but I am feeling a bit more positive today. I wrote a while back about living for today, and doing your best each day. I'm going to take my own advice! Rosie brought love and light to our life for 8 months. She is gone now, and things are darker, but there will be light and laughter again. Megumi and I will make sure of that.

Writing Through The Tears...

I tried to put some more pictures on the page this morning, but looking through them made me too upset. We have a few photos of Rosie from June and July, some of which were taken in the hospital, when she went in for the initial tests. Looking through them made me remember the optimism we had then. Rosie was so full of energy, so vibrant, that it is hard to look at those pictures. Megumi and I were discussing the future, planning to visit England with Rosie, right up until the day of the operation.

I feel so bad that many of my relatives never got to meet Rosie.

We had a small gathering at our house last Saturday. Around 70 people came to pay their respects. We had work colleagues and former colleagues, friends from football, and from Megumi's university, as well as friends we have just picked up along the way. It was hard for us to have to explain again and again the details of what happened, and to be confronted with other people's grief. But we got through it, relatively unscathed, and the support of our friends is still keeping us going. Thanks to all those who came, and to those who helped out as well. Some friends brought their babies along, and we coped with that OK. It felt nice to hold a baby again, after all those weeks of seeing Rosie strapped down in a hospital bed when we just wanted to hold her close.

This doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I think writing helps, though, so please indulge me.

Pretty Little Girl

pretty little girl
sleep tight tonight
there's no more pain
no need to fight

pretty little girl
we're always here
thinking of you
and your eyes so clear

pretty little girl
in a hand-made fleece
we'll never forget you
so rest in peace

daddy